Who Is Wrenchy?
Wrenchy must be fed.
That’s the only thing we’ve been able to definitively determine about Wrenchy, our official mascot, since we unexpectedly encountered the mysterious being perched atop the counter in the Nuts ‘N Bolts kitchen one morning.
Wrenchy stood there, gazing with an unblinking eye that we’ve never seen move but still seems to manage to follow you wherever you go. We looked around for a note left by someone who’d presumably given him to us as a gift. There was none to be found, and we tucked him into a drawer and began to clean up a bag of cereal that had somehow been torn open, almost like it had been sliced by some sort of large talon.
He was on the counter again the next day when we entered and encountered a beeping sound. It turned out to be the alarm on a refrigerator door that had been left ajar. On a shelf sat a single nutmeg with what appeared to be several different ancient runes etched into the shell. This was strange, as the secret recipe for Nuts ‘N Bolts does not contain any nutmeg. It was promptly discarded.
Wrenchy’s appearance was unchanged, but it was fair to wonder if you could detect what appeared to be a glint of anger in his eye, a glare that was easily expanded away by the lighting playing tricks. The nutmeg was placed in the trash, and back into the drawer he went.
We returned the next day. So had Wrenchy. This time, there was the unmistakable odor of gas, the result of three knobs on the stove that had all been turned to “6.” Odd. Back into the drawer he went, and we headed home that night after leaving the remnants of a test batch of Nuts ‘N Bolts on the counter.
It was gone the next day. Wrenchy was not. He was not only back on the counter, but at first glance, it seemed like he’d grown slightly larger. For the first time in three days, there was no mess to address upon arrival. We left Wrenchy out, and before leaving that evening, we presented him with a small bowl of Nuts ‘N Bolts we jokingly referred to as a “sacrifice.”
That offering was nowhere to be found in the spotless kitchen that has been the site of that now-nightly ritual ever since, and Wrenchy subsequently became our mascot.
A lot of people have questions about Wrenchy, so we whipped up an FAQ to address some of the most popular ones, like…
Where did Wrenchy come from?
We don’t know!
We never asked for Wrenchy. In fact, we had reached out to an ad agency to design a mascot for us the day before he showed up in our kitchen, but that plan never came to fruition. After he appeared, we received a call informing us that they’d be unable to complete the project because every member of the team assigned to it had an identical dream prophesying their doom at the hands of what was described as a “malevolent metal monstrosity” if they went through with it.
Thankfully, we were able to pivot to Wrenchy as a truly serendipitous and totally coincidental backup plan.
What does Wrenchy want?
Nuts ‘N Bolts and only Nuts N’ Bolts.
We once attempted to give Wrenchy an inferior cereal-based snack mix to see what would happen. All of the pretzels we had disappeared. Note that we did not say “every bag of pretzels.” The bags were still there. They were still sealed. However, the only things inside were the grains of salt used to cover them.
That was the last time we tried to switch things up.
How does Wrenchy eat?
We don’t know!
We have attempted to watch Wrenchy eat Nuts ‘N Bolts. However, we stopped after The Incident. A member of our marketing team had made it their mission to get to watch him eat some Nuts ‘N Bolts, and they told police the last thing they remembered was staring at him before they were found standing inside the penguin exhibit at the local aquarium clad in a tuxedo.
Attempts to film Wrenchy eating have also been unsuccessful. All of the footage that has been captured has been corrupted by a single frame of a massive squid-like creature surrounded by a swirling tempest of what can best be described as “Biblically accurate angels,” which is sandwiched by shots of him standing next to a full and empty bowl.
Also, before you ask, Wrenchy appears to have a self-contained gastrointestinal system that may or may not involve some sort of interdimensional portal.
How do you know Wrenchy’s pronouns?
Our sous chef informed us of his will after briefly entering a fugue state while melting butter.
What is Wrenchy made of?
We don’t know!
Wrenchy is made of an unidentified substance that multiple metallurgists we’ve consulted with say cannot exist in nature. However, one of them noted it shares a chemical profile with minerals excavated in the vicinity of the Darvas Gas Crater, an eternally burning pit in Turkmenistan commonly referred to as ‘The Gates of Hell.”
What we do know is we love Wrenchy and he will always be fed!
